A Mothers Truth

You spend 18 years raising your children to be the best they can be. Molding their beliefs, values  and self-worth. Giving them the tools to be successful in life.  Throughout those 18 years you go through many stages terrible twos, puberty and teen age.  All have their ups and downs, but you push through because as a parent that is your job.  You are there to parent them not be there best friend. In those 18 years you will hear it all, one minute they will love you and then next they hate you.  But at the end of the day you are the mother and one day they will thank you for pushing them to be a better person.  That is what you keep telling yourself, but I am still waiting for that day to come.  My truth is you spend 18 years raising that child and they turn 18 only to think they can suddenly take on the world by themselves.

In April 2016 you broke my heart when you ran across the country to be with someone you barely knew. There was still so much unfinished business you left behind, but you did what you felt you had to do.  You were strong willed, independent and responsible. You had big dreams and the will to make it all happen.  I say all this in past tense because I don’t recognize that child anymore.  When the going got tough you knew you had to come home and I admired that choice.  I was there to help you and get you back on your feet. In August you got a job, enrolled in college and began playing volleyball. I started to see my daughter again. At this point it had been 5 months since you turned 18 and you were someone I barely recognized.  So many relationships have been shattered by the decisions you made. September we gave you your car back thinking you were back on track, but I couldn’t have been more wrong.  There was this sense of entitlement and lack of respect.  I had no idea you could be so hurtful to someone who has done nothing but help you. October rolled around and I started to lose you again.  You quite school, volleyball and became distant again.  What you don’t seem to understand is you have always had a choice, live by my rules under my roof or go be free.  I would never kick you out of your home, you always chose to run.  October 28th I lost you again.  With no money, no phone, no job, no place to live you chose to drive cross country to make a new life.  You told people I kicked you out, why did you have to paint me the bad guy?  Did that make you feel better about the decisions you were making because deep down you knew they were wrong.

November, I sent you an “olive branch” and you swallowed your pride and reached out. Things were fine, I still didn’t support your choices or like what you were doing, but I was just grateful we were talking.  But if there is one thing I have learned in the past 7 months is this doesn’t last. I am your mother I will always love you and I will always be there for you, but I wouldn’t be a good mother if I enabled you.  This is what I think you don’t understand.  1 out of 2 conversations with you end with you telling me “I never help you and to stay out of your life”.  I have learned that if I don’t tell you what you want to hear you get angry and end the conversation.  We have played this game for so long I am honestly exhausted emotionally. You can’t tell me to stay out of your life and then publically say I don’t care about how you’re doing.  You can’t publically say you miss people when you do nothing to maintain that relationship.  I am sorry I cannot support you leaving everything and everyone you know to be in the country’s most dangerous city with someone I do not know who you say has beat you. The daughter I raised would not make these irresponsible and unhealthy decisions.  I have tried to help you, tried to talk some sense into you, but you are blinded by what you think is love.  You have told so many lies I don’t think you even know the truth anymore. There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think of you, I miss you every day.  I will always love you and always be there for you. I will never stop worrying about your wellbeing and want the best for you.

I just don’t recognize my little girl anymore. I can only hope that one day she will own her faults and know it’s not too late to make things right.  Until then I have to keep her at an arm’s length.  When she is ready to make her life better and truly make a change I will be there with open arms.

This is my raw truth.

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